Ouch that hurt that was triggering that made me feel sad But… then again you have no idea how much pain I feel Because… it’s concealed hidden away pushed deep down out of sight out of reach no one can know about this pain inside me But… only one has an idea only God knows
You have no idea
And you never will even if I explain myself and tell you my life story you will never truly understand what I battle with on the inside everyday without fail it’s always there a constant battle
You have no idea
I live I laugh I smile I joke I act like it’s all okay But… deep down it’s not at all I want to die some days I have no more strength to fight another day But… somehow I find it God gives it to me enough strength to make it through another day
And that’s why You have no idea
I started this battle alone, and I will continue to fight it alone with God because:
I went on this journey of comparison, hating myself, not seeing or feeling God’s love, feeling defeated, and unworthy.
But, when I finally realized how much God truly loves me, and cares for me (Matthew 6:26-34);
I started to see the world through His eyes, the beauty around me in nature helped me realize how much God loves His creations. And, if He loves the trees, & animals; How much more could He love me?
And, when I discovered that God loves me more than the trees He created, I truly understood His amazing love for me!
Thanks for reading! I hope this reminded you that God is always with you, & He cares for all His creations equally (your past does not & will never change His love for you).
If you don’t know where I’ve been for the past 4 months, check out this post before reading the following story.
Running Chasing Catching Finding Discovering Learning Building Working Crying Smiling Laughing Hiding Hurting Thinking Talking Processing Praying
Popping Breaking Destroying Tearing Shattering
This is my story from the past 4 months about how I discovered my true freedom by popping bubbles:
You see, before coming to YWAM (Youth with a Mission) to do a DTS (Discipleship Training School), I used to have these bubbles. They were safe places where I could go to hide, where I could go to just feel safe, and where I could go to get away from everything. And, I was content in my own little world surrounded by these bubbles. Or, so I thought…
“Please don’t pop my bubbles!”
I felt content with my bubbles because they gave me a sense of safety. I liked looking at their beauty because they made me feel loved. I enjoyed their peacefulness because they made me feel comforable.
But, these bubbles would also really hurt me. I wouldn’t be able to let people get too close because they would pop them. Letting people get close enough to pop them seemed like a good and productive idea, but it never was because they never knew which bubbles to pop at the right time. They just wanted to pop them all right away before I was ready, which led to me being hurt often.
“Some people have no self-control with bubbles.”
So, during the past 4 months, I’ve been slowly learning that I am the one that gets to decide when I’m ready to pop a bubble. When I know I’m ready to pop a bubble, that’s when I can let others in to help and encourage me in the process. I’ve learned that I can’t just let people get close enough and expect them to not pop any bubbles. So, I need to know when the right time for me is to let people get close enough to avoid being hurt by them choosing which bubbbles to pop in their timing.
“Stop! That’s too much, too fast; slow down please!”
So, I’ve learned that in order to let people get close enough, I need to start popping these bubbles on my own (with help & support) because it’s the only way I will feel ready to pop each bubble. I’ve discovered that only when I’m truly ready to pop a bubble / get rid of something will I feel complete freedom from it.
“It won’t hurt if you’re ready.”
Sometimes I might think I’m not ready, but that’s when I learn how much power fear has in my decisions. Sometimes it takes others to encourage the popping of bubbles.
Freedom won’t be comfortable at first; it takes courage to allow hurt to enter our lives. But, when we start seeing the process of popping bubbles as an exciting and joyful time, we forget about the hurt because we start to see our life in a new, clear way; without the distraction of bubbles.
“Freedom is right in from of you! But, will you choose it?”
Freedom is an interesting concept because they say it’s freely given to you, and you can take it when you want. But, they fail to mention how much it hurts to actually receive it because it costs’ your total comfort. But, that’s when you have to ask yourself:
“Is freedom worth your comfort?”
Well, during the past 4 months, I’ve learned that my answer is definitely YES. I’ve decided that I am fully willing to step out of my comfort zone to gain freedom because it’s so worth it, and at the end of the day I can’t hold onto them forever anyway. I’ve realized that if giving-up my self-made comforts is all I need to do to receive true freedom then, I am willing to pop any bubbles that stop me from receiving this amazing freedom.
And, that’s my story from the past 4 months.
Thanks for reading! I hope this inpsired you to think about the things in your life that could be holding you back from receiving true freedom. If I’ve learned anything during this time, it’s that: TRUE FREEDOM IS WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN YOUR COMFORT!
P.S. Check out this page for more stories about my adventures here in Australia! or Follow me on instagram to follow me on my next journey (details to come soon)!
That girl in the picture Standing there Smilling through the pain Just living life
That girl in the picture She never could’ve Known or imagined What was coming
That girl in the picure Looking at the world Blind to the future She had no idea
That girl in the picture She couldn’t even Begin to prepare For this!
How could she know? How could she prepare? How could she see?
She didn’t have a map – Or a to-do list. She just needed time.
Time is the key Everything unfolds so quickly
Time to remember & forget And, process it all
That girl in the picture Wasn’t ready for this
So, give her time!
Thanks for reading! I hope this poem inspired you to slow down & give yourself time to take a moment to enjoy life!
For the original picture: CLICK HERE! P.S. The featured picture on this post was the inspiration for this poem because when looking at it, I was reminded of who I was in that moment, & I realized how different I used to be. It reminded me to be kind to myself because we all need time to process through life.
-“Heyo! How are you today?” -“Good… what do you want today?” -“Nothing. This is just your daily reminder to think about your future – Are you happy with your life?” -“Yes! …I mean, I was enjoying my day, until now.” -“Good, I’m glad I got your attention. I need you to go look in the mirror right now!” -“…Why?” -“Just do it!” -“…ok, ok, I’m looking at myself, now what?” -“What do you see?” -“…myself?” -“Are you sure that the person you see, is YOU? Is that person someone you’re proud to be?” -“…ya… I guess?” -“What do you mean ‘I guess’?” -“I never really thought about it before…” -“Good! So, what do you see now?” -“…”
-A conversation between us and our thoughts.-
. . .
What do YOU see every time you look in the mirror? Do you see someone with big hopes and dreams? Do you see someone with drive and purpose? Do you see someone with nothing left? Do you see a successful person? Do you judge and make fun of yourself every time you look in the mirror?
Well, whatever it is you see in the mirror, that is what you reflect, back into this world, so make sure that when you look in the mirror, you see someone wonderfully created for a greater purpose than you could ever dream of and understand.
. . .
In society today, we always focus on the little details and “imperfections” of ourselves, but those “imperfections” are what make us unique and perfect. However, instead of thinking this way, whenever we look in the mirror, we usually focus on the following things: “my face is fat, I have so much acne, my nose/stomach is too small/big, my eyebrows are never ‘on fleek’, I wish my eyes were a different colour, my shoulders look weird, my neck is too skinny/fat, my chin is weird, my teeth are too crooked/yellow, my hair has a mind of its’ own, my feet/hands are too big/small, my chest is too big/small, my thighs are too big/small, etc.”
Those sentences are all things humans tell themselves everyday. But, why? Why do we continuously torture ourselves? Who created this ideal of what humans must look, act and dress like?
. . .
We need to stop torturing ourselves with the idea that “the ideal human” exists’ because she/he doesn’t (straight-up, does not exist, sorry to burst your bubble but you will never be her/him). You will always be your perfect and unique self (that’s really what the ideal human is anyways, Being Yourself).
This phenomenon of “the ideal human” happens all over the world because every culture has a different way of seeing men and women, but, no matter what perspective you choose to find “the ideal human”, you will never find her/him. We are all different and we will never be the same.
~Let’s stop torturing ourselves with the idea of “the ideal human”, and start loving our differences/uniqueness!~
If you’re dedicated to finishing this post and you’re still reading, I thought since you’re still here, I should tell you about what inspired this post (maybe the backstory will also inspire you even more).
So, this morning, I looked in the mirror and for some strange reason, I didn’t see myself.
I mean, I didn’t see that same person that’s been looking back at me all these years.
For some reason, the person looking back at me seemed different. And, at first it kinda felt weird. And, I’m still not even sure why I saw another person, but it made me realize something.
Every time I look in a mirror, I don’t look at myself. Instead, I look at all my “imperfections” because I’m curious and worried that they’re all other people see.
Instead of looking at the happy, positive person looking back at me, I look past those bright hopeful eyes and direct my attention to all my “imperfections”. I look at all the reasons I failed and all the reasons I’m not happy.
But, today, I looked in the mirror and ignored all those negative voices and looked directly into my eyes and for a split second, I saw a glimpse of hope and happiness in my life. I saw a completely different version of myself; one that I always want to see and be (those eyes seemed so hopeful and excited about the future. For once, I didn’t get curious about how I look, instead I got excited about my bright, successful future.)
And, it was in that moment that I realized that, that’s how I want to see myself from now on. I want to see a happy person that knows that her hopes and dreams aren’t stupid, and they will come true. I want the person starring back at me in that mirror to smile and be proud of what I’ve accomplished because I am doing the best I can and that’s all I’ll ever ask of myself. I want that person in the mirror to become my best friend and never my enemy.
So, the reason I’m sharing this story with you is because I want you to know that if you’re doing your best, then you’re succeeding at life.
“Your best should make YOU happy and that’s all that should ever matter!”
So, after reading this long post:
1- I really appreciate it – THANK YOU! 😊
2- I want you to realize that you need to stop looking at your “imperfections”. Instead, when you look in the mirror, look into your eyes and imagine all your possible hopes and dreams coming true. The sooner you realize that your hopes and dreams will come true, the sooner you will find true happiness and start making those hopes and dreams come true.
~You are worth more than any of your imperfections, faults, and failures – YOU ARE TRULY AMAZING!~
Always believe and remember that truth, and your dreams will become reality. Just focus on them and never loose hope in your bright future. And, if you can’t stand to look in the mirror, or you feel like your life is falling apart, or you feel like the worlds’ biggest failure; Remember that you deserve SO much because YOU ARE POWERFUL, STRONG, AND CAPABLE enough to get through anything and make your amazing dreams come true (you’ve made it this far😉). All you need to do is dig deep inside yourself and find that amazing version of yourself and set if free. And, don’t let anyone tell you differently because if they hate on you, it just means they’re jealous and scared of your confidence.
~Make sure your living your life and no one else’s! ~
~I know it’s a cliché, but if you aim for the stars and love yourself – You will make all your dreams come true! ~
–Thank you for reading this long post, I hope it inspires and encourages you!